When it comes to on-screen marriages, no amount of chivalry and million dollar smiles will cut it. James Marsden is just sh*t out of luck!
It almost seems as though Marsden is cast simply to be cheated on and tossed aside like a gently used ken doll. The irony is that in almost all these ditch-Marsden flicks, his character is the superior man in all categories… except actually getting the girl to stick around. Whether to a man from his partner’s past, or a random stranger she’s just met, it’s a sure bet that Marsden’s on-screen Mrs. will be moving on and he will be sleeping alone by the end of most of his movies.
So, let’s allow the empirical data to do the talking as we list off ‘5 Reasons Why James Marsden Never Gets the Girl.’
5. Prince Edward in “Enchanted” (2007)
I seek a beautiful girl. My life partner, my one coquette, the answer to my love’s duet.
In Walt Disney’s “Enchanted,” James Marsden plays Edward, a charming and good-hearted fairy tale prince, who, after saving the beautiful Giselle (Amy Adams), falls madly in love with her. When Giselle is swept away from their fairy tale kingdom and abandoned in the very real and gritty New York City, the gallant Prince Edward embarks on a trans-dimensional quest to save his beloved bride-to-be. After much self-sacrifice, trials, and tribulations, Giselle ultimately falls for the NYC Divorce lawyer (Patrick Dempsy) she just met, choosing him over Prince Edward.
The Dirty: So basically, a prince goes on a tireless quest to a far away and strange land to save his vapid bride-to-be only to get kicked to the curb for a divorce attorney. Ouch…
The Silver Lining: After getting ditched by his “Cinderella,” Mardsen gets to take Nancy (Idina Menzel) back to his fairy tale kingdom. That would be enough to leave most men “Frozen” with anticipation… (see what I did there?). Not a bad consolation.
4. Richard White in “Superman Returns” (2006)
Richard White: Lois, that article you wrote.
Lois Lane: “Why the world doesn’t need Superman?”
Richard White: No the other one.
Lois Lane: Which one? I wrote dozens of them, I was practically his press agent.
Richard White: The one from years ago before we met, “I spent the night with Superman.”
In “Superman Returns,” Marsden plays Richard White, a top-rate newsman, skilled pilot and all around good husband/father… that is until Superman… um… returns. Once the Christopher Reeves simulacrum Brandon Routh re-claims the S on his chest, Mardsen’s marriage and paternal efforts go to h*ll in a jettisoned Kryptonian space pod containing their planet’s sole survivor and soon-to-be champion of Earth (whew… that was a mouth full). No amount of reckless and self-endaring heroics are enough to maintain the attention of an in-creasingly distracted Mrs. Lane-White. Oh yeah, and to add insult to injury, did I mention the kid is not his? Although we don’t see the heartbreak unfold in the confines of the film, the audience is left to assume the proverbial super-sh*t is about to hit the fan.
The Dirty: You are NOT the father. Sorry Dick, that’s Supe’s boy. Also, in what world does Brandon Routh beat out James Marsden for the ‘Girl?” That is an atrocity!
The Silver Lining: Superman did not rip Dick in half for having “filled” in with his girl Lois during his absence. There is always that…
3. Jack Lime in “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues” (2013)
Well, that’s funny. ‘Cause I got nowhere to be because you pretty much destroyed my career. Do you realize what it did to me, by making myself call me “Jack Lame”? It was a living hell!
In “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues,” Jack Lime is a GNN’s top prime-time star news anchor until Will Ferrel’s Ron Burgundy spills onto the scene. Slowly the reigning champ of NYC news is diminished and ultimately overshadowed by the scotch-fueled powerhouse that is Burgundy. Marsden’s Lime is even forced to refer to himself as ‘Lame’ upon losing a bet to the mustachioed Burgundy.
The Dirty: Once in the center of the Lime-Light, Marsden’s Jack Lime, is now just ‘Lame.’ How can you respect such Lame-ness?
The Silver Lining: He dies… I guess that isn’t much of a silver lining… or maybe he was spared further humiliation? At-least it was death by sparkler?
2. Scott Summers/Cyclops in “X-Men: The Last Stand” (2006)
Not everybody heals as fast as you, Logan.
Although it’s no secret that Marsden’s Scott Summers/Cyclops has held the sh*tty end of the stick throughout the entire X-Men franchise, I would argue that “X-Men: The Last Stand” is aptly named since Marsden’s character really gets bent over in this atrocious X-Flick. It wasn’t bad enough that he loses his wife, best friend, and longtime love of his life Jean Grey (Famke Jansen) at the end of “X2,” but the 3rd film starts off with Professor X (Patrick Stewart) taking Cyclops’ leadership role and handing it off to Storm (Halle Berry). Not bad enough? Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) confesses his love for Summers’ deceased wife, which is always great to hear when your wife dies. Wait there’s more… The cherry on top, Jean Grey comes back to life as the Phoenix and almost immediately murders him, then romantically involves herself with Wolverine… who later re-murders her. She really knows how to pick ’em.
The Dirty: He Loses his wife, his job, his wife comes back, his wife kills him, his wife leaves him for another man, and then the other man murders his wife…
The Silver Lining: He doesn’t have to be in anymore sh*tty X-Men films… until “X-Men: Days of Future Past.”
1. Lon Hammond in “The Notebook” (2004)
Marsden’s Lon Hammond is inarguably done the wrongest in the pinnacle of chick flickery, “The Notebook.” Allie (Rachel McAdams), a nurse for wounded soldiers, meets the wealthy Lon Hammond, Jr., a well-connected young lawyer who is handsome, sophisticated, charming and, added bonus, comes from old Southern money. The pair eventually become engaged, although Allie still has her reservations a.k.a. feelings for her one-time crush Noah (Ryan Gosling). After years of separation from Noah, Allie runs into him then immediately jumps into bed with him (or should I say jumps onto the floor with him)… at which point she decides to leave Lon and live with Noah. Noah immediately tells his side chick to leave and takes in Allie. Sheesh… Lon (and Noah’s Side chick) get(s) no respect!
The Dirty: Lon’s finance cheats on him then decides to marry the half crazy and financially lesser Noah, who (by the way) spent the last few years building a dream house for a girl he talked to one-time before the war… the dude is not right.
The Silver Lining: He doesn’t have to deal with Allie when she ultimately loses her mind.
View Comments (3)
This is so true and Unfair.
I actually did a Google search for "why does James Marsden never get the girl?" It totally sucks because it is so true. I always feel so bad for him because he is always such a good guy in his movies.
Your article does not describe "Why James Marsden Never Gets the Girl" as advertised. It lists five times that it did happen and rehashes those scenarios.
Really, dig deeper. Author and commenters alike.